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<title>reasons i should not stay (vs the reasons you should) by dogsbreath</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444521">reasons i should not stay (vs the reasons you should)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbreath/pseuds/dogsbreath'>dogsbreath</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hawaii Five-0 (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:26:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,485</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444521</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbreath/pseuds/dogsbreath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a dear danny note holds a lot more meaning than it should</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. reasons to leave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>season ten is messy this is exactly how the show should end</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <em>‘Dear Danny,</em></p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em> this may seem a bit cheesy, but after everything i’ve put you through i figured i owed you an explanation.</em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>i know the last time i left you one of these was before North Korea, but i promise i haven’t gone to any hostile countries. I’ll be back on the mainland, at Joes cabin, by the time you find this.</em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em> I wanted to ask if you’d come with me, but i wouldn’t take you away from charlie and rachel like that. speaking of rachel, i want to address the elephant in the room, who’s lived here for eleven years. </em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>This is harder than chin said it was. “scary, but possible.” he’d said. maybe in his case, abbie sure loved him. but he’s been busting my ass since we founded five-0 to admit this, so here it goes: i love you. and i know this is quite possibly the worst way to say it, but i can’t look you in the eye and admit this. you’d probably punch me, and i’d probably deserve it. i’d never be able to leave, even if you did punch me. i’ve made my peace with it, have kept my mouth shut, and i supported you where i could. and if it turns out that you hate me after this, not that i think you would, you’re not homophobic, i wanna thank you for letting me help raise your kids. god, grace changed my life. i love her more than anything, and she’s part of the reason i’m even admitting how i feel about you— god only knows she’s begged me for long enough. and charlie? that little boy is amazing. so much of you in him, and i guess there’s always gonna be a little of me in him, in both of them, too. i want to thank you, in case this all goes to shit, because most times that’s what happens. the last eleven years have been my best. </em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>They’re our kids, our firsts. I’m going to be hundreds of miles away, and even if i visit, it’s not the same, and the rest of our kids need someone they can lean on. Nahele needs someone, and i know he won’t admit, even if i don’t mean to, i’m leaving him too. keep an eye on him. Juniors got a good enough head on his shoulders to know why i’m doing this, he understands, if the way he’d set the paper in front of me was any indication. he’s like me, he’ll bottle it up, and tani’s a magic balm on his anger, but she’s not me, and she’s not you. You need to keep him in the present, keep him afloat. you did it for me, i know you can do it for him. Tani, however much she understands, she’ll still be mad, and upset, and lonely. she feels too much, too fast, too profoundly. she loves us, she loves you and she loves me, but she’s gonna feel like she’s lost another parent. you can handle her in a way i never could, an I know you don’t like parenting alone, but i know you’ll do it, if not for me, if not to spite me, you’ll do it because you love them. for that, i owe you everything.</em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>i was always so afraid you’d leave, and a few times, you almost did. for grace, charlie. i watched rachel enjoy tearing you apart for over six years, and i know you made a lot of headway when grace got in that accident, but she’s still rachel, and you’re still you. you’re stubborn, you get mouthy, you’re a cop, and you’ll always be a cop. rachel says she understands it but she doesn’t, not all of it. she’ll still fight you tooth and nail, she’ll still manipulate and hurt you, even if she doesn’t want to because it’s a habit, the only way she knows how to protect herself from what she thinks will hurt her. i almost, and have lost you to her. and maybe this makes me a coward, or a bad guy, but i’ve gotta leave. i can’t keep everything bottled up anymore. i’m not thirty, not able to compartmentalize some of these feelings because i haven’t in so long. you taught me a lot about being a cop, about being a father, but you taught me a lot about how to be human too.</em></p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>i left five-0 to you, and if you don’t want it, there’s paperwork in my desk that will leave it to tani and junior. i’ve also left them letters, explaining things, and i’ve left one to Nahele, and i’ll send one to grace, if not as a goodbye, then a promise to come back if they need me to. i’ve left Mr Pickles to Junior, i know how much those two get along, and i’ve left eddie to you, danny. </em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p> <em>Again, i wanna thank you. i would not be who i am without everything you’ve done for me. I’m sorry i couldn’t say any of this to your face, but you’re the only one who could make me stay, and i can’t anymore. hawaii is home, i’ll come back one day, but right now it hurts too much. reach out, and i promise i’ll respond. you know how to get a hold of me. </em> </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p><em>
   love, steve’ </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. reasons to stay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What the fuck is this, steve?!?”</p><p>steve looks over his shoulder, pausing in cutting up food for eddie. He glances back down, but stops, and turns around when he registered the letter in the blondes hand. he swallows and purses his lips, eyes locked with dannys. </p><p>“Leave the house for a while, junes,” danny orders, eyes not leaving steves. out of his peripheral vision, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen junior move so fast. </p><p>when the doors close safely behind him, danny moves it, and tosses the letter on the island between them. he’s angrier than steve’s seen him in years. </p><p>“A ‘Dear Danny,’ note? is this a fucking joke? you’re gonna leave?!” he yells. Steve sighs, “I wasn’t gonna leave for another few weeks. How’d you even find it?” </p><p>“The spare house key is in your desk drawer.” </p><p>it’s silent for a few beats, until danny starts up again, “You were gonna leave me? Leave the kids? leave five-0?” </p><p>“I'm assuming you’ve read it, so stop acting like i want to leave!” steve says, crossing his arms. he’s feels vulnerable under dannys enraged glare. </p><p>“Yeah, steve, i read it.” Danny sighs. for a fleeting second, steve doesn’t know if it’s the letter he’s mad about or if it’s the contents. “But, the letter didn’t exactly give me a reason as to why you were leaving.” he continues. </p><p>“I thought i’d explained it pretty well.” </p><p>“Yeah, Steve, ‘I’ve loved you for nine years’ is totally a reason to leave your job, your kids, and your partner.” Danny rolls his eyes. </p><p>“You make it sound like staying would be better, that we could work it out, that it wouldn’t completely destroy me, danny!” </p><p>Danny's quiet. He sits on a stool, and looks at steve. really looks at him. “You would’ve left. You really would’ve left me, left me with the job, and the kids, and you would’ve ran off to Montana.” </p><p>steve looks away from him, fidgeting in his spot. few things make him uncomfortable, but danny was always an exception to everything. </p><p>“yes, i would’ve. I wouldn’t enjoy it, but if i have to, i will. Now will you please stop letting me wait for the other shoe to drop and just drop it? if you’re gonna punch me, danny, punch me.” </p><p>“I don’t care what you think you did wrong, steve,” he breathes, “but i would never hit you for having feelings.” </p><p>it’s still for a while, both of them just staring at the other. they don’t speak, they don’t move. Until Danny gets up, and walks up to steve. He doesn’t say anything, as he grabs the front of steve's shirt and pulls him down. He kisses steve the same way he talks about him; full of love, and exasperation, and genuine trust and loyalty. </p><p>steve doesn’t move for a few second, frozen in the spot, with danny kissing him. danny unclenches his hand, and steve gets with the program, kissing him back just the same. He feels like he could cry (from happiness or sadness, he honestly couldn’t tell you). </p><p>Danny pulls back, and steve cradles his face with both hands. “All you had to do,” danny whispers, “was ask me how i felt.” </p><p>steves looking at him like he’s hung the moon and the stars and the sun, and danny smiles. “this is the part where you kiss me again, idiot.” </p><p>“Yeah, okay,” steve breathes, kissing him. </p><p>when he pulls back, he rests his forehead against dannys. “I won’t leave.” he says decisively. danny only hums in response.</p>
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